Sunday, 25 March 2012

How to be immortal

I used to be indestructible. Well so I thought. What happened ? There was a time when I could stay up all night, drink what I wanted, eat what I wanted when I wanted. How I remember those days. Its not age creeping up on me even though I have just moved up a category in every bodies "click the age bracket that describes you best". This in itself is depressing enough. I thought I would live forever. I drank,smoked,ate all the wrong foods and nothing seemed to affect me. Until now nothing did. But it was not the food ,fags or booze that has caused my demise.

The symptoms are subtle and seemingly unrelated. Just the other day I realised that I had developed a fear of heights. Now when I say developed its not something I have been working on. I have not adjusted and adapted my irrational thoughts until they blind side me when I least expect . I was standing at the top of spiral staircase, or more accurately I found myself taking a step back from the precipice that lay before me. I used to go climbing for Gods sake! I used to work on ladders and think nothing of running along the ridge tiles of a roof while looking down and enjoying the view.

When driving there were only two settings in any car, FAST and stop and to be honest stop is highly overrated.I would speed around avoiding the speed trap cameras certain in the knowledge that my own reaction time and indestructibility would save me from all scenarios. Yeah right, man and machine in perfect harmony. Well me and an underpowered rust box on wheels with about 2BSP (Brake squirrel power) because a single horse power would have pulled the car to pieces.

Not any more, now I think about fuel consumption, no claims bonus and what would happen if I got a puncture at 70MPH. The height thing has got out of hand too. If I watch someone look over the edge of a balcony I get that Butterfly feeling in the pit of my stomach.

With the recognition of my fear of heights came my realisation that I had lost my super powers.

Its not age or the fact that my health is deteriorating, yes smoking really does catch up with you eventually. Neither is it my new found ability to worry about money. I have never had much money and its never bothered me. Looking back I can see the root cause of all my problems is a parasitic infection. I never caught it myself but my wife did. Those little parasites that grow into big parasite, bleed you dry of any money you ever amass and raid the fridge at stupid o'clock.

Our parasites of course think we do not know what we are talking about, and will remain convinced of this until they have parasites of there own that think they don't.

So there it is , everything you do is to protect them, provide for them and make sure they fair better than you. You must stay alive to help them. The risk taking is gone , the fun is gone the money and the contents of the fridge have certainly gone.

Kids! Now they think I am superman just when I realise I am not.

It would have been all right "if it weren't for those pesky kids"
The famous Tag line from Scooby Doo. Did the villains have it right ? Is the best advice the same as found on a box of matches ?
                                                             "keep away from children"
 possibly if you follow it you will live forever.

Or do what I did, infect your chosen host and gain vicarious immortality.

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